Amourshipping :Depression
by QuirkQuartz
Summary: One Shot surrounding Serena's Chronic Depression. A String of Failures has shattered her confidence. Amourshipping, Ash X Serena, AASL, Childhoodshipping, I may have messed up the original upload. sorry. Well, I feel like an idiot. Here's the ACTUAL Story.


I laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling. That seemed to be the only thing I did these days. Things with absolutely no meaning whatsoever. Things that don't matter, that never will matter. In the end, that's really all I learnt in this journey. You can try as hard as you like, but it's all for nought in the end. For a number of reasons after that, I became depressed. I felt the grips of chronic depression sink into my heart.

My performances in my showcases had been one big failure after another. Humiliating and crushing defeats at the hands of my opponents, through only the fault of myself. It was my fault every time. I would under do it sometimes, and make it look like I hadn't even attempted the topic, while at other times I would over do it, and ended up making my Pokémon look ridiculous, and, in my first showcase, caused my Pokémon a failure directly, all because of something as stupid as leaving a ribbon too long. It was bad enough that my showcase went to hell every time, but I then had to stand there, on stage while they tallied the votes, while thousands of pairs of eyes fixated on me, judging me as I got the lowest score in all my showcases. At some point, I just decided that they weren't for me anymore. I haven't even practiced for a new one in months. I heard they were hosting a new showcase in the next town we are visiting, but I couldn't care less. It's not like it would make a difference anyway. I can't perform. I can't do showcases. Why bother if I know it's destined to fail?

I brought my knees closer to my chest and tightly hugged them close into my chest, longing for some comfort in some form, any form. I yearned to be hugged. I couldn't remember the last time I had been hugged by anyone, for any reason. I missed it. It was a horrible feeling, to just be surrounded by people who knew what they were doing, who were living their dreams, and had the rest of their livestock look forward to, while you have to drag your heels through every day, each day, your heart feeling more and more empty, lonely, as you struggle to find hope or joy in anything. I began to wish I could just disappear without explanation, and never come back to this accursed world. I felt like I would be happier by just vanishing into nothingness. I wouldn't be a burden. I wouldn't drag them down. I wouldn't be surrounded by people who couldn't understand this suffering, who acted as if they had the first clue about it.

No, that's wrong of me, I guess. He may not know what it's like, but he doesn't say anything just because he feels like it will cheer me up. He says it because he truly believes what he says, which, by extension, can sometimes lift my damp spirits, if only for a while. I shuffle my body so I can see him. Snoring the loudest of everyone. In the bed to my left, there he is. The person I admire the most. Ash.

He's incredible, really. That's all there is too it. I don't know how he does It, but I've never seen him upset and never gone back to training in full force moments after. He has the ability and motivation to use his shortcomings as strengths, as a way to become stronger. I envy him. And also admire him. In my world of misery, he's a candle of happiness and warmth. I hold a secret affection towards him... Which is where most of my depression comes from.

Seeing someone you love go further and further away from you, having no idea what you did wrong, only able to watch from a distance as they shatter your heart over and over again is a feeling worse than death itself. He keeps going, full force, never slowing down. In a world as bleak and upsetting as the one we live in, I wish he would slow down... Spend more time with us... It's me...He's one of the few things, my own Pokémon and friends being the only others, that make it worth being alive. I can't even say my own mother can be put on that list. I failed her. She believed in me, that I could do well in the showcases. A lot of good faith did her. Ash is one of the few people who can make me smile anymore. And off he runs, every day, running closer to finishing his travels in the Kalos region, and eventually get on a plane and go home... And find some pretty girl to become his wife back in Kanto... The mere thought of it alone is enough to reduce me to tears, if I had any left to shed.

I cried. I cried a lot when this feeling first kicked in. I had to stifle each and every sob that racked my body as much as I could. I didn't need everyone else asking questions. What was I supposed to tell them if they woke up? I cried myself to sleep for nights at a time, until eventually, I couldn't cry anymore, even if I wanted to. Even though I sort of wanted to, to release this pent up pain, but I simply couldn't.

Imaging Ash going away hurt me. Imagining him meeting another girl crushed me. Imagining him marrying that girl devastated me.

These thoughts occurred daily, nearly always on my mind, moulding my thoughts and actions, words and ideas. All this pain is still pent up inside me, in my chest, where it feels like a storm of needles pierces my heart, all stored up with nowhere to go. I had chest pains, sever ones, that Clemont had thought could be signs of a physical breakdown in my body after a few months. After a while, I no longer registered them anymore.

I can't even escape my pain with sleep. Worrying about everything until 3:30AM, waking up at 8AM, a mere four hours later, had left me restless. I found bags under my eyes. But at this point, I couldn't even care. Things I used to care about vanished. My clothing for one. I used to back it all neatly away before sleeping, to keep it clean. Now I'm like Ash, In that I throw everything all across the floor, and in the morning, roll it into a ball, and force it into my bag before setting off. And when I sleep, I dream. Never nice dreams. Only nightmares. I dream the stuff of terror. I firstly see my mother, a shadow, with red eyes and a disapproving glare, turn her back on me. Next I see Clemont, grabbing ahold of his sister Bonnie, and leading her away, telling her not to face me, as if I'm some demon out to hurt them. I couldn't never hurt them... And then I see the worst part.

I see Ash, leaving, telling me to get lost as he begins to walk off. I always try and stop him. I beg for forgiveness, for what usually various on the dream I have. I beg him not to leave. On my knees, I ask him to stay with me. Sometimes, I'll confess to him in a sheer panic stricken phobia of being left alone, but it never works. It always ends the same way. He'll pick me up to my feet, and then he'll turn around, slapping me to the ground again and laughing as he walks away, leaving me crying in the floor, as the void sucks me in. I often wake up in cold sweats.

In short : Everything is wrong with me.

I can't find any happiness in me. I can't find anything positive about myself. I feel hated, unwanted, unloved. I mean, If I disappeared right now, who would care? Who would even think to look?

Often, I stare at the ceiling, motionless, and think to myself, "Why don't I just go? Why don't I just die and get it over with?"

* * *

I woke up one morning. Later than everyone else, as seemed to be customary at this point. It used to be that we waited for Ash. Now they waited for me. Someone had kindly folded my clothes out ready for me. Random acts of kindness help when your depressed. Even if it was by your friends, just a small sign, a reminder that they still did care, meant a lot. I faintly smiled before yawning and stretching, quickly changing outfits into my traveling clothes.

I began to wonder if the group had picked up on my feelings. They obviously knew I was upset about my showcases. Ash in particular wanted me to keep doing them, but Clemont had told him I needed space. Clemont, space is the last thing I need. What I need is a shoulder to cry on. Someone to just hold me, make me feel better about myself. But I sigh. Clemont's not here. Who exactly am I trying to persuade here?

I made my way downstairs. I could smell food, but I wasn't hungry. I wasn't much of a morning eater anymore. I think it's safe to assume that they noticed something was wrong when they noticed I had lost my morning appetite.

I saw them, all sat together on the far side of the room. I made my way to them, side stepping between two people to avoid hitting them directly, instead just skimming them. Getting closer to the group, I see a map laid out between Clemont and Ash.

"And if we go through this route, we can be there sooner..." Clemont said. He noticed my presence first, glancing at me approaching them. He looked up and spoke to me. "Morning Serena."

I said morning back to him, to Bonnie, and to Ash. He smiles at me. That smile makes me feel better when I'm upset, and it worked here. He then tells me that they were planning a route to take to the next city.

"And we'll be stopping in this town here, and guess what Serena, they're hosting the Showcase there." Ash informed me with a smile.

I sighed at him. "I told you, I was giving up on those. It isn't for me. I'm not cut out for showcases. I'm not good enough."

"You can get good enough!" Ash said, louder than usual, seemingly letting out some frustration he had at me. I look at the floor. I know he means well, but coming from the guy who never gives up... Me giving up feels kind of.. Lousy. "Come on, Serena! You have talent for the showcases. Let me help you practice."

I shake my head. "No, thank you Ash." I feel horrible for just not wanting to do anything, especially when I'm right next to him. And I feel terrible for refusing his help. I feel horrible for just being me at this point. I just don't know what I want to do. I don't want to embarrass myself, or Ash by extension, seeing as he helped me. If he helped me and I mess it up, he would look stupid too. I won't let him take a fall like that for my mistakes. "No, thank you" I silently repeat to myself.

I watch them train. I watch Ash train harder than he ever has before. I'm content, just sitting here, watching him. It wouldn't become anything more anyway. I mean, look at me. Who could love someone like me?

"Alright, way to go, Pikachu!" Ash congratulates his partner Pokémon on another successful attack combination. No doubt I'd see that in the next gym we visited. No doubt it would work as well.

Another combo attack, this time by Fletchinder. Ash congratulates his bird Pokémon in the same way. I sigh. I wish I could be like him. So much do I wish that.

Depression is your entire world turning upside down. People react to it differently. My confidence was shattered, and seeing as that was the only thing I was any good at, I turned out to be bad at, I can't do it anymore.

I can't watch anymore. While they aren't looking, I get up, and dart into the woods. I need time alone.

* * *

I walk aimlessly in the woods. Thinking. Wondering.

I wonder why I'm here anymore. I just can't think of a reason. I once read that to exist without a reason, you might as well be dead. I never understood it, but I do now. And I know why someone would say that.

I sit down at the foot of a tree. I think of Ash. The only warmth in my heart anymore. Not a day goes by without my thinking of him. He makes my heart feel fuzzy. And it feels nice. He saved me. I like to think he saved me. But it depresses and confuses me that he won't ever be mine. I want his happiness above all, but I want my own happiness too. I could make him happy, but could I really? I don't know...

All I know is I miss him. I miss him deeply...

"Serena! Sereeeeeena!"

I jump up quickly, half terrified for a second, before recognising the voice. He always seems to show up when I least expect it. "Ash, I'm over here."

Ash finds me, and jogs over to me, panting, using his knees as supports. Has he been running after me? "Where the heck did you go? We were all worried about you!"

I sigh, and smile. It's a fake smile, of course. The one I have to use these days. "Sorry, I just wanted some tome alone is all. I didn't want to interrupt your training."

Ash sighed. He seems convinced, but something else is on his mind...

"Serena, what's wrong? You haven't been acting like yourself for a while now. We're all worried about you. I'm worried about you." Hearing him say that fills me with a deep pain. "Please, talk to me."

The pain I felt was one of guilt. Guilt I had made him worry. Guilt I had done that to him. Without thinking, I hug him. Tightly. He eras not expecting it, evidenced by his shocked expression, and how he didn't move for a few seconds when I wrapped my arms around him. Already, just being in contact with him, I feel my pain just evaporate. I feel better I feel safer.

"Serena?!" Ash was pretty surprised, evidently. This was probably the last thing he had been expecting, especially from me. "What's wrong, Serena?"

I tighten my grip on him.

"Serena..."

He doesn't say anything else after that. He just hugs me back. That's fine with me though. Hell, it's what I've wanted, longed for for weeks, months even.

I look at him in the corner of my eye. His eyes are closed. Could I?...

I decide I've got little to loose. I need to do this quickly. I push away from him slightly, enough that we aren't embraced anymore, but lightly enough so that he still has his arms around me. I face him. He begins to let me go, but I dart right back, this time, allowing my lips to crash into his.

It only lasts a couple of seconds, but it felt like a bomb had gone off inside my chest. In that mere instant, I felt everything painful evaporate. I had my eyes half open, and see his immediate shock, but he closed his eyes eventually. That told me what I needed to know. We didn't need to say words. But I wanted to anyway. After separating, I tell him. "I love you, Ash."

"I love you too, Serena."

Ash may have not come out here to tell me that. I doubt he though he would be doing that when he woke up today. But he looked happy. And for the first time in a long time, I felt happy too.

He leads me out of the forest, back the way he came, taking my hand in his. I smile. It's time, I told myself, to get back to practicing for the upcoming showcases.

* * *

This was a request given to me by Amourable. I was asked by the, to do a story how I would write one about either Serena or Ash suffering from Chronic Depression, the same as I have. Each one of the things I describe Serena with is the same as I have been through.

You may find this story a bit back and forth, but that's a bit what chronic depression is like. Sometimes you feel better, then sad again, confused, over thinking simple things, contradicting yourself, and generally feeling worthless. That's pretty much the lid of chronic depression. I tend to try and deal with it with copious amounts of laughter.

I chose Serena for this story because I thought it was more applicable to Serena, due to her feelings for Ash. Because my depression came from my shattered feelings towards my ex, I thought I could replicate the absolute worthless feeling you can experience going through that.

Speaking of laughter, I have launched a new gaming channel on YouTube, a fresh start, with new content. I'm playing games, sometimes on my own, some times with the guys from TASOffical. Please come on down and check it out, and subscribe to the channel. It helps me out so much ;

I hope you enjoyed this story! And I'm sorry this came out on a Tuesday as opposed to a Monday, I have just been absolutely exhausted. And if you did, be sure to favourite it, and leave reviews. Follow and favourite me for mew stories, and as always, see you in whatever I make next. See ya!


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